Hipsters: classified as a pandemic by the WHO

All right I crossed the line. They haven’t made it official yet. But if you carefully read the description of a pandemic provided by the WHO, a “virus that emerges and spreads around the world” fits perfectly with the expansion of hipsters. Our team of psychologists, consultants, physiotherapists and urologists agree that the first signs of a hipster start with phrases like: “no man, that is not cool .. it’s too commercial”. All — and when I say all I mean all — 100% of hipsters have pronounced this sentence in the same word order at least 50 times in the first phase of their initiation into this extended urban tribe. But beware, this early symptom is also common in indies, punks, mods and anti-reggaeton associations. So we’ll have to dig down more deeply to truly understand what we face…

pre-hipster phase: checkered flannel shirt

Also known as denial phase. They have already pronounced the sacred words (“no man, that is not cool … it’s too commercial”) and bought their first checkered flannel shirt but still do not want to admit it. They have been asked once, “man! what’s that lumberjack shirt? have you become hipster or a lesbian?”. They don’t take jokes about this topic and simply deny it: “No man! my girlfriend gave it to me and I have to wear it.” They don’t know yet that their destiny is written and they are quickly heading to the next phase.

Berliner hipster phase: the beard

It is well known that the first hipster in history began to mark a tendency in Berlin. No kidding: here is the proof:

Adolf Hipster
After this little joke I proceed to argue the second phase. No city in the world, not even London, can approach the hipster level of Berlin. A city of nearly 4 million inhabitants, Berlin has two neighborhoods almost exclusively resided in by hipsters: Kreuzberg and Neukölln. Furthermore we have to add the 50% of the people living in Mitte and Prenzlauer Berg, without forgetting a guy who has become hipster in Charlottenburg. At this level, flannel shirts are a cinch. We must take a step forward and grow a good bushy beard. On numerous occasions, this beard is accompanied by huge amounts of gel on their head to get the parting just right. The taxonomy is quite clear, shaved on the sides and longer hair on top. In some areas these are considered “Lumbersexuals”.

NOTE: If you live in Berlin, a black knit cap is indispensable. Preferably the Carhartt brand.

Hyper-Hipster phase

This is the most radical faction of the hipster world. They have a fully tattooed body and therefore need to fully keep fit. But how do you stay in shape and not go to the gym like everyone else? Yes, the gym is too mainstream, so you have to find an alternative to get in shape and look cool at the same time. So, you do CrossFit (please note that the “F” is capitalized — do not write it like a normal word). This mix of Basque weightlifting and gymnastics was invented by Greg Glazmann in 1996 in California and has become a hallmark of the hipster world.

Post-Hipster phase

London, 2058 — tube strikes are still bringing the city to a standstill. Everything is normal. Except for 3 things: trends, hairstyles and fashion have changed over the course of the last 30 years. Being a hipster is no longer cool. Long that everyone has become Cowsual, a mix between Simon Cowell and Casual. Everyone wears their trousers high, shirts undone to their belly button and teeth are now extremely white. But what has become of the hipsters? Already nobody remembers them? Of course they do, but they have now been inaugurated into the Hall of Fame of questionable aesthetic fails along with the chavs and people from the 80s. Gone are flannel shirts that accumulate enough pellets to block the Channel Tunnel. Nobody is sharing photos on Instagram of themselves doing CrossFit. Facebook albums have been hidden and, of course, no one utters the sacred words for fear of hearing the reply: What are you talking about man? Who you think you are? A hipster?

Gallery 1: Top image left: Unsplash Oliver Astrologo Bottom image left: Unsplash Dhery Moelz Image right: Flickr Our Fair Share of Hipsters! Love SF Christopher Michel CC BY 2.0 Some rights reserved
Gallery 2: Image bottom: Flickr Hipster. Christopher Michel CC BY 2.0 Some rights reserved

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